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To get some bad advice from the E-man, just send him your question via e-mail.

Q:Dear E-Man,

I am very attracted to a holy man. In fact it is jesus. Every time I am in church I get horny. I am also a pain, hanging, stigmata fetishist. So I am thinking of converting to catholiscism. But I feel so guilty about joining a church for the purpose of sexual pleasure. My boyfriend is a Orthodox Christian priest, and I am always saying "Oh God" when he is saying "Who's your daddy?".

You have to help me!

-Hot in Heaven

A:Dear Heaven Hotty,

Boy am I glad to hear from you! I mean Boy, I'd be happy to help you with your problem, Miss.

At first glance, sure, this is a way over the top, heavy duty, psycho, nut-coaster you're on. But, clearly, you'll see you're not alone. When judgement day rolls around, Jesus is going to have a lot more trim to contend with than he could ever possibly know what to do with. You see, all the real genuine Catholics out there are as turned on by God as you are, only rather than expressing it with sweaty, flesh-baring sexual role play, they have bake sales, choir practice and car washes. When you get right down to it, it's all really the same thing, though. While they repress it for appearance sake, when God struts his stuff through those Pearly Gates, you're going to see a lot of uptight, old, blue-haired bitches getting naked.

As far as this impacting your relationship with your boyfriend, don't sweat it. Admittedly or not, a sizable percentage of human relationships are laden with fantasy when the lights go down anyway. You're boyfriend might very well be pretending you're Joan of Ark.

Go ahead and join the Catholic Church, Sister. It's a lifelong commitment, sure, but you're likely to strangle yourself off in sex some day soon anyway, so what's really the big deal? I don't think you have that much to worry about. You just sound like a freak. In reality you're just fanatical.

Furthermore, since you're evidently not the sort of girl one wants to bring home to mother, and Jesus's Mom's been dead for nearly 2000 years - This could be love. Follow your heart.

Go in Peace, to Love and Serve the Lord, if you can get a piece of him.
E Man

Dear E-Man,

My entire family thinks I am a lesbian. I really am not. Their thoughts mostly stem from the fact that I go to an all woman's college. I would like to be able to explain to them that I am not, without being homophobic.

Thank you for your help,

­ Really not into Suzanne Vega

A:Above all, remember this ­ not being gay doesn't make you homophobic. And remarking that you're not gay doesn't make you anything except not gay. Your family thinks you're gay because you go to an all girls college. If you live in a basement apartment, does that make you afraid of heights? If you drink your tea with lemon, does that mean you're lactose intolerant? I don't think so. Sounds like your family's a bunch of Homophobic Idiots themselves. I wouldn't worry too much about them branding you homophobic. Not anymore than you ought to worry about KKK members thinking you're prejudiced, or Bob Dole thinking you're too conservative. What do you care what they think? Just tell them.

Before you do, though, in the interest of credibility, you might want to ditch that jersey you wear that says "Butch" on the back, quit the field hockey team, get a new haircut to replace that spiky feathered thing you've got going on, and try to kick the tobacco chewing habit. Covering up the Indigo Girls bicep band tattoo might be a good idea too. And lose the bumper sticker that reads "I'm not a lesbian but my girlfriend is." You know how unfair and judgmental people can be.

Good luck licking this one,

­ E the Man


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